Instincts and occasional habits are surprisingly not enough
The biggest mistake in managing stress is to think that it will disappear by itself. That we are born with the ability to cope with it correctly. The thing is … it doesn’t work in modern society.
We’re born with:
1. Some instincts that are useful in a stressful situation – for example, to automatically jump back if something suddenly comes into view or to freeze at the sight of a snake.
2. The stress reaction itself – the fight-or-flight mode, which the body automatically turns on at the moment of danger.
3. Our body is also able to compensate for the biochemical changes that occurred inside during a single stress event (with chronic stress – that’s a different story).
This is enough to survive a run-in with a snake in the city park. But dramatically insufficient to effectively cope with daily psychological stress.
Imagine, for example, how much automatically jumping aside or running away helps:
– on a difficult work call
– in a family conflict
– in earning money
– in looking for a job
– on a date
– when your children don’t listen to you?
And in hundreds of other difficult social situations, where instincts alone won’t get you far.
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Here comes my favourite example about sex.
By nature we have this instinct to move our hips back and forth. This is not enough to gain a partner and enjoy the process. Additional knowledge, skills and the right social game are essential to succeed.
The same with stress. Instincts and automatic innate reactions are only the beginning, the foundation. We learn all the other stress management skills after birth.
Of course, the first teachers are the people with whom we spent our childhood.
We observed and copied the actions of our parents in stressful and emotional situations. In fact, anyone who came into view when we needed some kind of “coping model” could become a stress management model.
You’re lucky if it was a good role model. But often – not the best. Just the one that was available.
Sometimes we even look up to a movie hero, a boss at work or an author of an inspiring book: we copy an approach that seems strong or effective to us.
This explains why so many people:
1. Do something “for stress”, but do not feel relaxed and in control of their lives.
2. Still deal with stress the way they once learned in childhood:
For example, as a child, one’s mother said
“don’t cry, go to your room, calm down and everything will be fine”.
And now, at 35, a person just locks himself in his room and tries to suppress his emotions.
Bad habits are also often copied automatically.
For example, in childhood we used to see dad opening a bottle after work “to relieve stress”. And now, without even thinking, a person does the same, because they have learned this is how people cope with stress.
Therefore, the main idea is: you should not expect that you automatically know how to cope with stress effectively. This needs to be learned. And this is actually good news.
Because with minimal preset settings, our psyche has maximum freedom to learn and adapt to the specific conditions and culture in which we appear.
Although we have little influence on automatic reactions during the stressful event itself, we have a huge room for maneuver in how we behave afterwards. And it’s really cool that now we can consciously learn effective ways to manage stress, and not just copy the first thing that caught our eye in childhood.
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